Howdy my beloved friends!
After much consideration, I have decided to start fresh with my photography blog. It's been a decision I have long been contemplating and it finally excites me to begin writing and blogging once again. There are a couple of reasons that have pushed me in this direction and I thought, in the spirit of honesty which is what made my blogging so personal in the past, I'd share them with you.
My photography blog served a purpose: sharing my most recent work and aspects of my life which inherently showed the progression of my life both professionally and personally. It's always been easy for me to intertwine the both of them because I am, after all, my business. Part of what makes running my photography studio is being myself. My clients choose me because they make a connection with me and I pride myself on that. But the past year, 2012, to be exact, both my professional and personal life took me for a roller-coaster ride. The trip, filled with both positive and negative, has drastically changed my life. And since my life and all that entails in it makes me who I am, it also impacts the type of photographer I become.
The negative events kept me from wanting to share all the positives on this blog for one simple reason: fear.
I feared that by sharing all the great, wonderful and amazing things in my life I would be opening the door for someone to step back in and ruin it or, much worse, take it all away from me. Oh Marisol, quit being so dramatic...
My blog shows a progression of my work, the things I have learned, from the very beginning. It also shares a lot about the personal aspects of my life and it, too, shows how I have grown as a person. It is for this reason that I heavily contemplated deleting it completely. I want to be able to look back and see how far I have come but I also wanted to metaphorically break free from some of the past.
Am I being selfish?
I don't know. What I do know, however, is that I finally feel like I am getting back on track. The past cannot hurt me; I have to let go of that fear. Things happen for a reason and the most important thing I have learned is forgiveness.
I saw this quote on line last week and it seemed to open my eyes and heart to something I thought I knew...
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart." #beyondordinary
I am unaware where the quote originates. If you know, please feel free to let me know so I can properly give credit.
In my heart, secretly for the most part, I have spent the last year fighting my blessings and happiness with a lot of hurt and anger deep inside my heart. I whined and complained to my closest loved ones about the emotions I felt.
So here it is, out in the open and finally leaving my chest.
I was angry that I ever allowed someone to hurt me.
I was angry that I fell in love once and trusted only to be tormented.
I was angry that I lost some of my most beloved friends I once considered family.
I was angry that my once best friend could so severely turn on me.
I was angry that a simple no could not keep me away from anything.
I was angry that I could not stand up for myself directly.
I was angry that I didn't know how to stand up for myself.
I was angry that I was fearful of a ringing phone.
I was angry that I felt my life was crumbling in front of me and I couldn't see the love I felt.
I was angry that allowed myself to still care when I should have focused on taking care of myself.
I was angry that I was shouting and no one could hear my voice.
I was angry that I worked so hard to build this business and had to let a lot of it go.
I was angry that didn't know how to deal with the crazy.
I was angry that someone could so easily use your concepts, your thoughts, your wordings, your self.
I was angry that everything seemed to be moving forward for the world and yet I felt stuck.
I was angry that I couldn't so openly share so many of the blessings I enjoyed.
I was angry that I couldn't shout it louder when I found the man whom I truly love.
Most of all, I was angry that I was hurt.
I was hurt.
But I don't want to hurt any longer. I am choosing to forgive and forget, openly.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV
So you, whom I once ago trusted, I forgive you. You, who I envied because you took some of me and made it better, I forgive you. Most importantly and above all, I forgive myself for the mistakes I made, the walls I crumbled, and the pain I felt. It was necessary to experience everything, all of it, so that I could pick myself up and accept the blessings God has for me.
My beloved husband, Joshua... thank you for embarking on this journey with me. Marriage has been honest, beautiful, exciting and so very rewarding. Together we built our little family and we became one the day we married. Our sweet baby girl is the biggest blessing we received and I am so glad I followed my heart and met you.
Opening my heart to let go of all the hurt is the only way I can foresee myself moving forward. If I can finally forgive and forget, I can move on and be who I enjoy most being, myself.
And who am I?
I am a wife and a mother.
I am a lover of life and believer of kindness.
I am a child of God.
And I am ready to start picking up my camera once again, and do what I enjoy - my job!
Thank you for reading through. Thank you for always coming back to follow. Thank you for trusting in me and allowing me to create heirloom memories for you and your loved ones. My clients are amazing. My clients are the best. My clients become special in my eyes and hold a special place in my heart. They take up the courage to smile, invest, and receive. For all my past, current, and future clients: THANK YOU!
For myself, smile - the best is yet to come!