It's been a rough week... and today was the toughest.
I rode the yellow school bus from kindergarten up until the tenth grade. Every morning I woke up at 5:30, took a shower and went outside to wait for the bus. By 6:15 AM I'd grab my bag, walk outside and wait. 25, bus 25 was my number for so many years. I missed it many times, often by accident and more-so on purpose.
In the afternoon, when school was finished I would wait again for the bus. It was my routine but it wasn't one to complain about. Except for the fact that although my routine rarely changed, the people who rode the bus with me did. Some were nice, and others found it easy to pick on me.
Frankly, it may be my demeanor and/or my quietness but I think I am an easy target to be picked on. When I was in second grade, there was a less-than-friendly boy who teased me regularly. I won't go into detail but man did I really dislike riding the bus in the afternoon that year.
I am always too quiet or too loud. I am either too nice or not nice enough. I have yet to understand what it is I could possibly do wrong that makes it easy for people to hurt me, to hurt my feelings. Yet, I seem to do it constantly.
As a 25 year old, I can no longer run to my mommy and say help me. Albeit she'd would not hesitate to defend me, I cannot rely on my mother to protect me daily. But I do not have it in me to stop being bullied.
Today, I thought about quitting. I wanted to quit something I truly enjoy doing. On the verge of driving myself insane wondering why, why pick on me I realized that I have to stop allowing people to bully me, to pick on me, to hurt me.
So while my mom could not step in to defend me today, she did protect me - with her words. In everything I do, she said, I will come across people who think differently. People who, unbeknownst to them, may maliciously hurt my feelings. Get over it Marisol!!!!!!!
So tonight I take a deep breath. I am not a quitter. I refuse to quit.
Instead I'll smile and be happy ;)